I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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