I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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