Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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