Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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