I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
i've created a new STD.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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