fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
