My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
dude. I can hear the air.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
