I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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