if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
