You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
