do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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