I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
