i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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