after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize