What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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