I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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