The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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