Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
