If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
