Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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