There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
