I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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