So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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