u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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