I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
