im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize