Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
