OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I should be sponsored by Trojan
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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