So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
