Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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