I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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