Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize