so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
