College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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