dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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