Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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