then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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