do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
