She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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