You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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