so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
