11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
