So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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