An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Text me some of your sweat
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
