cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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