guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
