I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
