I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
As shirtless as possible
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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