awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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