Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
